"Brain Dead Car Ads"(TV&print) - send us your nominations!
We'd love to plagiarize the title of Private
Advertisement Appreciation Column "Ad
Nauseam" but they're so litigious they may sue.
"CAR-AD NAUSEAM" (Ed: correction - their
enemies sue them ) -
or "SUBLIMINABLE NONSENSE"
Brain Dead Car Ads - it's January, the floods have subsided, global warming is off the front pages, and the carmakers are desperate for your attention and your cash. As always TV companies and newspapers etc. are quite happy to fully prostitute themselves in order to secure those lucrative car ad placements.
No. 1 "DRIVE"L award contender so far is clearly Fiat...for sheer 100% narcissistic inanity.
Picture the scene: as the latest 4-wheeled ICE-age dinosaur from the Italian carmaker hurtles 'excitingly' thru an erupting Volcanic, post-apocalyptic landscape...numbskull post-Yuppie couple leap out arguing in cutest Yuppie fashion, change places in car etc.yawn etc.......the whole throbbing cinematic experience rounded off with the obligatory super-smart sign off thus:
"A SAFE CAR IN A DANGEROUS WORLD"
...given the fact that Turin, home of Fiat, was recently devasted by floods - caused in part by Global Warming - this witty, oh-so-creative little advert should obviously end with the words:
"A SAFE CAR IN AN ENDANGERED WORLD".
What planet are these people on? Please get off
"DRIVE"L award contender No 2:
Citroen's "Protection Racket".
Thanks to Martin of South London for alerting us @ EVUK to the latest shallow little offering from Citroen: In a similar vein - cars cruise in slo-mo thru streets filled waist-deep with polystyrene-snow(...prettier than last winter's neck-deep 'fast-mo' floods throughout N.Europe, eh?).
The inevitable Claudia Shiffer slinks by sylph-like
"Imagine a world where everything is protected" we
are invited to ponder.
"EVERYTHING BUT THE B****Y planet!!" we scream back
at the screen.
"DRIVE"L award contender No 3:
"Vielen Dank" to J. Gottfried of Friedberg, Germany for sending this tasty/tasteless...'titbit' from the Rover magazine ad (German TV mag) with six insets of female breasts and accompanying text "Perfect Handling". Prostitution or WHAT!!
One pair of said mammaries - representing the sexy little Rover, don't you know - seems somehow, almost sublimina-bubbly fuller, more tanned, more attractive...the accompanying text(boy -what a "strap-line"!!) is equally inspired and thought-provoking:
"DREAM LINES. IDEAL WEIGHT...PERFECT HANDLING"
....aaaaargh! "PERFECT B*LL*CKS"...would seem more appropriate.
"DRIVE"L award contender No 4:
Alfa Romeo powers through extreme weather(hurricane/cyclone) and miraculously survives unscathed.
Driver likewise, sadly.
This time the ad-team comes up with the following spellbinding, inspirational bit of alliteration:
"Stir the Soul"
Of course, we'd prefer the realworld version:
"Sell your soul - and the planet - down the bl***y river. Literally."
(cf. North Italy, Winter 2000...record-breaking climate-change floods. No worries though: your supersexy, jet-black, fossil-fuelled Alfa Romeo will power you thru any kind of weather. Unscathed.)
"DRIVE"L award contender No 5:
The following self-satisfied little slogan from Citroen is also going the rounds(TV and print media) at the moment: (April/May 2001):
"Citroen C5. Technology as it should be. 100% useful. "
Our own - EVUK's - suggested get-real alternative would naturally be:
" Internal Combustion Engine - 20% efficient. 80% use-less, wasted energy, lost as hot air and vibration. Equivalent to over £2.70 per gallon quite literally "up in smoke" folks!! But enjoy all the..um...er...100% useful clever gadgets and gizmos anyway." What's more, EVUK's "creative team" - at a total cost of zero million dollars - has even come up with the following fascinating, not at all nauseating, little ad-jingle to truly 'drive' the message home:
"Ode to the "ICE" :(Singalong - don't be shy...)
"I" "C" "E" - dum-diddy-dee .....
Technology - eee-eee ......
As it should no longer be - eee-eee .....
In the 21st Centur-y - eee-eee .....
(Unlike the e-Ka "EV" - eee-eee.... )
That'll move you each mile for just 1p - eee-eee....
Saving both ener-gy and mon-ey- yippee.
(Saatch-i & Saatch-i - eee-eee - you know where we....be: editor@EVUK.co.uk)
Final thought: The lowly but brutish Sinclair(not Citroen) C5 motor ( 12 volts, 29 Amps, 348 watts, 3300 rpm ) is around 4 times more energy efficient than the average crank 'n piston. Strange how no free-thinking, free-wheeling mainstream journalists - motoring or otherwise - have made this connection/comparison........
(...to be continued - ad nauseam)
Please keep sending us your nominations!!